I must warn you, reader. This text is pure evil. The story takes place at Era City International Airport (just image Los Angeles International) when a man named Ali
Is that a good intro? Yes? No?
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I must warn you, reader. This text is pure evil. The story takes place at Era City International Airport (just image Los Angeles International) when a man named Ali
Is that a good intro? Yes? No?
Not much of an intro, but I guess it's fine.
Slightly caught my attention, but it feels as if you're trying to make this story intense or disturbing, which doesn't succeed. Try again and extend your intro. Don't just do one sentence and shift to the story. Build this intensity and suspense up. Build the setting and plot, not only the character.
Tips: give yourself cat transforming powers
Die at the end for your love... Pizza
Sacrifice your ability for the greater good of your dog transforming friend
Sacrifice yourself like this: go on the airplane in the era airport sit in the front seat and wait, then head the plane to a tall tower and explode yourself.
Oh wait.
Joey... Don't even try that
Thanks for the tip!Quote:
Originally Posted by Kendrick
- - - Updated - - -
Intro: (Try Two)
"This is BX-15 to Headquarters, we are currently hovering over the Era City International Airport. Requesting permission to move in."
Well, after months of searching Era City, we found the source. If you don't know what I'm talking about, allow me to explain. Four months ago, the Era City Police Department noticed high levels of radioactivity in Downtown Era City, and since that stuff is illegal in California, we had to get rid of it. Last night, we tracked the radioactivity to a scientist named Zack Wilson. After hacking into Wilson's computer, we figured out he had a flight to Arte, Canada. Our mission was to stop Zack from leaving California. Me and some other officers were sent to stop him, we were suited up in full SWAT gear...
"Headquarters to BX-15, you have permission to move in."
"10-4"
I think that you need to be a bit more descriptive and check those run-on sentences as it can be a bit confusing.
For example: "Four months ago, the Era City Police Department noticed high levels of radioactivity in Downtown Era City, and since that stuff is illegal in California, we had to get rid of it."
That sentence is a bit confusing since it lacks description, you talk about "radioactivity" being illegal, but that does not make too much sense. You could describe the radioactivity or what is causing it to make it more descriptive. I don't know if that makes sense, hopefully it does (lol).
But it is just a memo. So...
I would say this intro is better than the first one though, makes it a lot less generic and gets my attention a lot more!
Anyways, good luck :)
this actually got my attention to be read, it seems to start off in a creative manner, I'd suggest you add more descriptive words, though it depends on your own style of writing. Good Luck!Quote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
Thanks for the advice Joey and Rami
California? Canada? I would not recommend using real world countries/states/cities in stories for it can confuse the audience. When I first read California, it confused me due to irrelevance between iEra and California. Also, in between the dialogues, I would suggest adding a transition word.
'While I was waiting for a response, I began to think about the hectic work I have been through. Agent Pena, my partner, and I have been on this case since the creation of Southside.'
blah blah.
Thanks Kendrick
Btw I was adding real places like California and Canada so the reader could have a connection with the story (the reader could go "Oh! I've been to Canada!" Or "Hey! I live in California!")
I see what you're doing there, which would be great since you want the readers to connect but there are many other ways to do so than just using city places. It can be something as small as "this person doesn't like tomato" and that would click with the audience. It is not that it is confusing, it could be cute to combine both worlds together (I mean, why not? people add vampires to the real world).Quote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
I also agree with the transitions, they are very important for a smooth read.
But I have never been thereQuote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
But I have...Quote:
Originally Posted by imaginary
So, should I keep it in real life locations (like Era City, California and Arte, Canada) or should I not?
Then those tattietgla dudes shoot down the era airport plane
You wishQuote:
Originally Posted by Prancer
Let me B on the storry
Alright, you can be the other SWAT Officers I'm working with, but I'll need to rewrite the introduction to include you talking to meQuote:
Originally Posted by Prancer
I'll rewrite the introduction later, I'm not in the writing mood now...
rudeQuote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
Um... How is that rude? Lol?Quote:
Originally Posted by Prancer
Make me the hero
u and wrex are villainsQuote:
Originally Posted by imaginary
Wrex is but meeeeeeeeh a heroQuote:
Originally Posted by hohi416
u are wrex sidekickQuote:
Originally Posted by imaginary
RektQuote:
Originally Posted by hohi416
I'm adding Margadosh.
Hey Marg, do you want be the guy that gets jumped by me and punched in the face by Prancer, or do you wanna be one of the Ground Unit Officers?
Add me or else...Quote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
You'll be a ground unit with Margadosh
Kden, thanks :)Quote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
Got it.
Nicholas wants to be the guy Prancer and I sock in the face
I wanna be the guy who commits suicideQuote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
Make a twist in it, maybe I nearly Kill Prancer but you take the bullet for him (You have a bullet proof vest).Quote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
But Prancer and I are in SWAT gear. We would both be wearing bullet proof vestsQuote:
Originally Posted by N!chola$
(Btw, if u want to be the bad guy u can)
But he gets shot in the head and diesQuote:
Originally Posted by N!chola$
HarshQuote:
Originally Posted by imaginary
Nuuuuu!!! Prancer! Btw Marg, do u want to be a one of the smugglers (Zack Wilson's side) or one of the cops?Quote:
Originally Posted by imaginary
IdkQuote:
Originally Posted by AliGamer911
The main character
lolQuote:
Originally Posted by imaginary
Lol
Lol hahhahhahahh hilarious hahhaQuote:
Originally Posted by N!chola$