Hello all, after reading the apologies written on this forum for quite some time now, I too have a reason for forgiveness. They say people make mistakes and I guess you can say Ive made the biggest mistake of my life. Id like to start off by saying I am in no way a perfect person, in fact I am probably the most imperfect person you would encounter. It seems though Ive let that creep into my very being, and because of this I have lost people who I would consider more than important to me. To be honest, I havent had the happiest childhood that I can remember, my grandparents on my mothers side have both passed, (one on my birthday a year before my birth & the other last summer) and I am actually beaten by my father. My mother whom I love very much cannot protect me, she works for the good of the family and I believe my father doesnt truly mean to hurt me, however I think he is unhappy as well and cannot express his sorrows any other way. My younger sister also gets beat, but Ive protected her enough that I take her share of beatings as well. As one may deduct from this explained situation I have a very dysfunctional family dynamic. This being said, the overall atmosphere that I am exposed to caused me to undergo a deep phase of depression, something I still unfortunately have been unable to break out of. The pain and suffering only worsened upon my grandfathers death last summer, as he was the only adult figure in my life that gave me a sense of belonging and security. His death has had a large impact on my well being, in fact Id say his death has brought about my withdrawal from people as I admittedly close myself up to people. My existence and reason for living lately has become non existant, as I feel my only real purpose of being on this Earth is to be a human punching bag to protect my sister. The stress and sadness has given me many a reason to end my own life, (as well as a failed attempt I had recently). However there was one person out there who changed that, that person had given me a purpose to life, and that for once I was appreciated as a human, that I was cared about, and that my existence really mattered. That person had pushed me along even during my darkest hours, and gave me a new light when all I saw was blackness. For once I felt human, more than just a shell, in fact I felt like I had a real purpose and that if I were to survive it would be for this individual. But alas, old habits never seem to break and slowly but surely I had closed myself off to this person without even truly knowing it. I was so afraid of being abandoned again that I acted in such a way that led me to my abandonment. And that feeling of completion I had once felt? Gone decimated once more as a price for my own actions. They say you reap what you sow, and I guess I learned that the hard way. This isnt to say I didnt fight for this individual, in fact I groveled for forgiveness, begged for mercy even admittedly cried a few times. However to no avail these tactics all fell short and I ended up resorting to more desperation, and when those struggling attempts failed too I ended up lashing out in a uncontrollable, inhuman anger, revealing all the secrets and things we had done together, only hurting the person I held and still do hold dear to me. So to all out there, including the person I had let down the most, I am sorry, sorry for being incompetent and allowing my fears and weaknesses to consume my being yet again. No longer do I feel human anymore, but a monster all over again. I hope god can forgive my sins, because I cannot.
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Originally Posted by TrueGabipants
