The End (Beta)

[Abdullah1441]

I must warn you, reader. This text is pure evil. The story takes place at Era City International Airport (just image Los Angeles International) when a man named Ali

Is that a good intro? Yes? No?

[Xiang IV]

Not much of an intro, but I guess it's fine.

[Kendrick]

Slightly caught my attention, but it feels as if you're trying to make this story intense or disturbing, which doesn't succeed. Try again and extend your intro. Don't just do one sentence and shift to the story. Build this intensity and suspense up. Build the setting and plot, not only the character.

[Joeyaudi1]

Tips: give yourself cat transforming powers
Die at the end for your love... Pizza
Sacrifice your ability for the greater good of your dog transforming friend
Sacrifice yourself like this: go on the airplane in the era airport sit in the front seat and wait, then head the plane to a tall tower and explode yourself.
Oh wait.

[Abdullah1441]

Joey... Don't even try that

Slightly caught my attention, but it feels as if you're trying to make this story intense or disturbing, which doesn't succeed. Try again and extend your intro. Don't just do one sentence and shift to the story. Build this intensity and suspense up. Build the setting and plot, not only the character.

Thanks for the tip!

- - - Updated - - -

Intro: (Try Two)

"This is BX-15 to Headquarters, we are currently hovering over the Era City International Airport. Requesting permission to move in."

Well, after months of searching Era City, we found the source. If you don't know what I'm talking about, allow me to explain. Four months ago, the Era City Police Department noticed high levels of radioactivity in Downtown Era City, and since that stuff is illegal in California, we had to get rid of it. Last night, we tracked the radioactivity to a scientist named Zack Wilson. After hacking into Wilson's computer, we figured out he had a flight to Arte, Canada. Our mission was to stop Zack from leaving California. Me and some other officers were sent to stop him, we were suited up in full SWAT gear...

"Headquarters to BX-15, you have permission to move in."

"10-4"

[Rima Wasabi]

I think that you need to be a bit more descriptive and check those run-on sentences as it can be a bit confusing.

For example: "Four months ago, the Era City Police Department noticed high levels of radioactivity in Downtown Era City, and since that stuff is illegal in California, we had to get rid of it."

That sentence is a bit confusing since it lacks description, you talk about "radioactivity" being illegal, but that does not make too much sense. You could describe the radioactivity or what is causing it to make it more descriptive. I don't know if that makes sense, hopefully it does (lol).

But it is just a memo. So...

I would say this intro is better than the first one though, makes it a lot less generic and gets my attention a lot more!

Anyways, good luck

[Joeyaudi1]

Joey... Don't even try that



Thanks for the tip!

- - - Updated - - -

Intro: (Try Two)

"This is BX-15 to Headquarters, we are currently hovering over the Era City International Airport. Requesting permission to move in."

Well, after months of searching Era City, we found the source. If you don't know what I'm talking about, allow me to explain. Four months ago, the Era City Police Department noticed high levels of radioactivity in Downtown Era City, and since that stuff is illegal in California, we had to get rid of it. Last night, we tracked the radioactivity to a scientist named Zack Wilson. After hacking into Wilson's computer, we figured out he had a flight to Arte, Canada. Our mission was to stop Zack from leaving California. Me and some other officers were sent to stop him, we were suited up in full SWAT gear...

"Headquarters to BX-15, you have permission to move in."

"10-4"

this actually got my attention to be read, it seems to start off in a creative manner, I'd suggest you add more descriptive words, though it depends on your own style of writing. Good Luck!

[Abdullah1441]

Thanks for the advice Joey and Rami

[Kendrick]

California? Canada? I would not recommend using real world countries/states/cities in stories for it can confuse the audience. When I first read California, it confused me due to irrelevance between iEra and California. Also, in between the dialogues, I would suggest adding a transition word.
'While I was waiting for a response, I began to think about the hectic work I have been through. Agent Pena, my partner, and I have been on this case since the creation of Southside.'
blah blah.

[Abdullah1441]

Thanks Kendrick



Btw I was adding real places like California and Canada so the reader could have a connection with the story (the reader could go "Oh! I've been to Canada!" Or "Hey! I live in California!")